It happens

And just like that....it happens. You didn't mean for it too, it just did. You knew to fight it off, you knew it would come with consequences, but it still happened. How could you let it?!?! You ask yourself. How could you ALLOW this to happen?!?!? You know what the fallout will be...and it's NEVER pretty. There is nothing but pain and aching left afterward. But it happened. You see, I made a friend. And probably not just an 'Oh hey, how ya doin'?' friend, but a real 'I care for you and about you!!!' friend. A friend that you tell things too because there is something in their eyes, friend. A friend that you know you can laugh and cry with, friend. These friends don't come around that often, yet when they do, you don't want to let go of them. You know that these friends are few and far between. You know that these friends...these friends are what LIFE is made up of. These friends will walk with you down life's path, that is not always an easy stroll. These friends that will be there when you want to scream, when you want to lash out at anyone that even looks at you, when you want to curl up in a ball and wish the world away...and for you to go with it, friend. These are the best kind of friends. These are the friends that are so dear and so precious to you that you never want to leave them once you make them. But then life has a funny way of happening and it literally RIPS your friends away from you. Leaving you alone, and broken hearted, and wondering what you did to deserve to have to go through life like this. These friends are truly, the best friends.......

Since you've been gone...

Hey, so, you've been gone almost a month and while there were times that a part of me wanted to just crawl in a hole and die, I didn't allow myself to give into anything. I've been finding it harder and harder to just swallow my emotions without them getting in the way of anything and I have remained EXTREMELY driven. I think I'm doing a little bit of that compartmentalizing that you all do. I'm currently sitting outside at the bar with a drink to my right and a smoke to my left and it's lightening out and I can hear the gunships going off. The boys are inside watching some history show, we really have the best kids.

I'm not miserable, per se, but I'm not as happy as I could be. I look for happiness in any situation and I sure don't want myself to be anyone elses burden...so I fake it. Everything's fine. Things are running smoothly. I feel great. I'm not worried. All lies!!!! Nothing but massive, pathetic lies!!! I am miserable. I miss you horribly. I read myself to sleep every night, snuggled up with one of your shirts and your dogtags with your wedding ring on them. I put your wedding ring on my finger right before I go to sleep and curl your dogtags in my hand as I drift off, saying prayers for your safety and safe return home. I've not allowed myself to cry, but my eyes are welling up just typing this. I know that this is your job and you enjoy it and that is VERY important to me!!! But I thought. for just a moment, you deserved honesty...so I thought I would type this.

I do miss you being here. I miss knowing you've got my back. I miss knowing that you will pick up the slack for me without me even saying anything about it. I miss our talks, but I don't miss our fights. I miss not being able to pick up the phone and know that you will answer it. I miss not being able to walk up to your chest and putting my forehead on it and you know that I've about given up. Those are the times you chuckle, rub my back and ask me if I'm ok.

I'm so very tired of being strong. I want to be weak. I want to just let go. But, alas, it's not to be...at least, not for a little while. I know you'll be home soon and I know that I just have to hang on. I also know that I will hang on and that it will make me stronger. But, I think you deserve to see how I really feel.

Please print this off and when the devil starts banging in your head wanting to cast doubts about us, pull this out and read it. This is how I really feel and I don't even know if I've put everything in here, but it's a start.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Michaelanne

Tests and changes

So, here I sit on the couch for the start of the second week in a row. I'm still under Dr orders not to do much and a 10 pound weight limit really slows me down. By they way, he (the Doc) called me directly to check on me 1 week post op. I had my 'lap' (exploratory surgery) done last week and I don't think I've ever had anything kick my butt the way this has. I feel like the only time Rodney sees me is when I'm making permanent butt prints on the couch. About the only saving grace is that while he's at work I can get laundry done and in a very slow manner I manage to get the floor swept and mopped. Thank God the rest of the house pretty much stays clean, thanks to the help of the kids. I don't know that we have ever been attacked so much as the way that I feel that we have here lately. We aren't dispairing or letting it get us down. We are totally taking it in stride. We lost Rodney last night for about 20 minutes and then he came in all sweaty and nasty. He had gone on a run. It seems that he is not wanting to go through his foot surgery and now he's wondering if maybe he doesn't just need to lose some weight and if that will make a difference in what is going on with him. So, now he's wanting to try running every night and losing some weight and eating differently. I have to say, he may be onto something. We BOTH enjoy eating, we can't help it and when the food tastes so good, what do you do.

So, if he winds up NOT having his foot surgery, then he wants me to go ahead and have my partial hysterectomy, immediately. Not something I am looking forward too, but tough, it needs to happen. I've gone back and forth thinking about this for quite a while and I always swore that I wouldn't do it and that is just what happens when I swear, I wind up doing what I swore I wouldn't do anyway.

I think I'm just a little un nerved because so much has seemed to happen in this small little family in such a short period of time. Rachel took a nose-dive, mentally, Garett was and is still having problems with his joints and his eye still, Rodney and his foot which is directly linked to his job and then I seem to be falling apart, as a woman. The only one of us that is ok is Anthony and then that makes me nervous, because I'm afraid he will be directly attacked. I know all things happen for a reason and I've beleived this all of my life, but it still makes a person not comfortable.

I just got back from Garett's appointment with the Retina Specialist today and I just can't help but be irritated. No, not at the Dr. He was wonderful and just as baffled as we are by what is going on with this kid. What I am irritated about is just the rough road he has had to go down. Some of it by his doing and some my own. Part of me just wants to scream & shout, ENOUGH ALREADY!!! But a fat lot of good that would do. Here's what's going on the best we can tell. In 2006 we discovered that he was having major eye problems. He was always seeming to rub at his eyes and wouldn't stop and we couldn't see anything in them. Then we noticed that he was doing things like shooting and aiming for long distance things with his left eye and he's right handed. So, we took him in for a routine eye exam, since his last one was questionable, we thought for sure he was going to need glasses this time. Not only did he need glasses, but he also needed to go see a retina specialist because they found his retina tearing away. They did surgery, got rid of the floaters and repaired his eye. No big deal, we just made sure that nothing happened to him, trauma wise. Fast forward to our move to Florida. Garett comes home from school one day saying that his floaters are back and they have a LOT of company. So we go through the song and dance of regular Dr appt to get a referal to an ophthamologist who in turns refers us to ANOTHER retina specialist. Who in turn tells us that his retina is still good, but there is some major inflammation there and needs to be watched for a while. So we have 2 sets of eye drops that must be put in his eye (right only) 4 times a day to get the swelling down and allow his eyesight to return to normal. None of this is the problem, I am just rolling with the punches.

What is the problem is when we get in the car and head back to town and Garett looks at me and asks if there is a college in Cleburne. (The town we used to live in before coming back into the military) I tell him there is a Jr College and ask if he's thinging about going back there after high school. He says yes and that he also thinks that the military will be out of the question. Here is the part where I just totally get lit up. Garett thinks there is too much going on with his body and it's not cooperating and he needs to find an alternate plan for his future. The part where I am lit up is that I see my baby, my child's special dream of going into the military and being an active part of our armed forces, something that he has wanted to do for most ALL of his life, go down the proverbial toilet!!!!!!! Can you feel my pain? Part of me wants to scream and shout (the unruley side of me) and the other part of me wants to squeeze him till his head pops off because he's so smart and mature (obviously more than I am right now) to recognize what is in front of him and push forward and through it. Here's a REAL kick in the pants. When I ask him what he wants to do, he replies that he thought about being a youth leader or preacher somewhere. (See my point on what I wanted to do to him!!!) Yes, I did manage to keep it together because I would have just mortified him if I would have acted any differently or even CONSIDERED shedding a tear. I obviously have one hell of a kid!!!

Poor Garett had always been labeled the trouble child or the problem child and for all of this to come out of him in a single 10 minute conversation, well, I'm just sitting here shaking my head. He is something special all right!!!!! So right now, we wait...and wait. The next 6 weeks will not be his favorite, because he hates having things dropped into his eyes, but that's the way it goes. On another note with him, we are watching him for Marphan Syndrome. He seems to be exhibiting most of the symptoms of it. We have to get the eye thing taken care of and continue watching his knee because we are still having issues with it and then we will have to get him in to take a look at his heart and the aeorta (sp). I'm hoping this is the worse, but I'm also a realist.

The J O B Express

So, I applied for another job today. I normally don't get on here and post every single time I do that, but this one was different. Rodney found it on Craigslist (because you know that we are junkies now) We had been waiting for something official to come out regarding the new 'school house' that they were building on NAS Pensacola and thought maybe I could hopefully get something there. This had something to do with it, but it was nothing like any other job application I had ever filled out or questionaire I had answered before. I'm not going to put the companies name, because hopefully I will get it and if they do what I think they will do regarding security, they will find this. So, what was strange about the whole thing is that they didn't ask typical problem solving questions. It was almost like they wanted me to think outside the box. So, I did. It was very nice to not feel like I had to 'fit' into a description or give the 'proper' answer. I kinda let my mind take off into left field for a change, which I so often do and gave answers off the seat of my smart aleky pants!!!! It was AWESOME!!!! Don't get me wrong I still totally allow God and my raising to guide me, however it was almost like relaxing your mind and just letting go for a moment and then it just 'came' to me. I can't explain it. I know I didn't feel like I was forcing control and forcing my mind to cooperate and crap out an answer like I used to feel in school all the time. It was very different and very much more relaxed. It would be nice if I got it, but hey, you know me, if not then something else is in store for me and I'll be waiting to know what it is!!!!!

So much has happened in such little time.

Well, here we are. In sunny, pretty, beachy, freezing, FREAKING COLD Florida!!! I just could not believe that it was as cold here as it was. I felt like I had NOT left Abilene and somehow the beach had just gotten to me. I think the entire family was totally pissed. It is just now mid February and for the first time since New Year's Eve it was warm enough to go out without a jacket. On a good note, we are here, moved in and settled for the most part. Much against someone's wishes, all children are enrolled in school and doing well. The kid's needs are taken care of. Dr's have been found, first appointments made and a plan in order. Rodney is in the squadron, doing his job and is now DNIF. Yes, I said DNIF. He has to have foot surgery, something that we have been trying to avoid, hoping that his foot would heal on it's own, to no avail. So, we were referred to an awesome pediatrist over at NAS Pensacola and he said he will do Rodney's surgery on April 8th. This will move his recovery anywhere from a year to two years down to 8 to 10 weeks. He's just going to go in and cut the planter facia (a release). The only caveat to this is that Rodney will not be able to so much as put his big foot down while on crutches or he can severely screw up his healing process. I don't know which will be worse, not being able to do anything or having to watch the frustration and know that it will be taken out on me. Oh well, I will have to pray for strength and patience and then when that does not work, I will drug him up. You laugh and I'm dead serious!!!! We've been through this once before during our marriage and it was within the first year, he had major knee surgery. He was so mean to me and treated me so badly that I slept in the other room and cried myself to sleep many nights. I would like to think that I have matured over the past few years and have a few creative ideas in mind to assert myself if he tries to be a handful. I don't want to share them, because I don't want any of you to be tried as an accompliss so let's just say that I don't put up with any crap anymore.

Now, we just wait for a spring warm up and continue with taking care of the family and getting out and meeting some of the other spouses at both the base and our squadron. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and I can start working on the yard. That will be fun and a very nice way of getting a workout.

Much love to all and more later.

Mid Way!!!

Well, we are closer to our move. We have already gone to the site and gone house hunting. This was after pawning off our children to unsuspecting friends. Little did they know what we had been dealing with. (That is the subject for a whole new set of blogs that I don't have time for!!!) Anyway, we did find a house, put in a bid and were accepted, now we just have to wait for the paperwork nightmare. Also during this little drift in life, we have football playoffs and the holidays!!! Part of me wants to say "Oh hell", the other part wants to quit my job and live life to the fullest!!!! Needless to say, I'm still working and balancing like a mad woman!!!!!! Did I happen to mention what all else needs to be done between Thanksgiving and us moving? Well, let me fill you in!!!!! Rachel has 2 Christmas parades, one of them in downtown Dallas plus ROTC Military Ball & all that goes with that to get ready for including shopping for a dress. Anthony is in the throws of football playoffs and spending time with my ex husband who helped raise him, plus ROTC Military Ball and FINALS!!!!!! Garett is just along for the ride and has the Ball & Finals!!!! No, I really don't think I have enough going on, because I also have to seperate all of the household items from what the movers will pack from what I don't want them touching. We have decided that we are kicking Rachel out of her room to use it as a staging area. (We are soooooo Military!!!) I have already dug up most of my bulbs that I am transplanting down to Florida. I still have Cannas & Elephant Ears to go and then the couple of actual plants that I am taking down. Plus my roses, very important. I bought each for a reason and they are very symbolic to me.

We are doing little things around the house to get ready. For example, making it a point to throw multiple papers in the recycle bin daily. This cleans out my trash and forces me into making decisions about my paperwork. Having Rodney around has really helped. If he's not actually doing something, then he's putting a glass with alcohol in my hands and forcing me to relax!!!! This is very key to me being accomplished, I think. Our relationship has launched into the next designated season. Very strange, if you just think about it, but if you're living it, it seems more likely. We sit in our swing and marvel at where we were and where we've come from and where we're going!!!!!! It's fun~!!!!!!!!! And this moves me into my next thing I wanted to discuss.

MEN!!!!! They are such fabulous creatures!!!! This is nothing against anyone that I've ever had a relationship with, but I think I was meant to be Rodney's Wife. I don't think I was ever supposed to be anyone else's wife, just his. After much discussion, we discovered that our paths had crossed many times in our lives and we didn't even know it. And after what all we have been through, I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to be with anyone other than this man, Rodney Joe Huffer!!!!! No it's not the alcohol, but it has helped me to finally let go of that insecurity that I now have from a lifetime of piss-poor choices that I have made. So, maybe this mid-way that I speak of is not only for our move, but also for our (mine & Rodney's) relationship. God takes us to places that we can only imagine!!! And I kid you not!!!!! It seemed the more that Rodney & I prayed at night as a couple, the more close we would grow and if you all knew our history you would say that it was a miracle indeed!!!!! This makes me think that if we can do this, then anyone can. All you have to do is have the faith of a child, innocent & neverending and it can happen!!!!


As a woman, this is very overwhelming, but I'm hanging on. These are my kids, and this is my husband. As my hubby & I were sitting in our swing tonight, I asked him if he thought we were going through our second teenage-hood. He didn't know. We were very excited to get our kids out of our house and exploring this big 'ole world again. It makes me have hope and I look forward to the day when I can hog him all to myself again. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else in this world than him!!!!!