Since you've been gone...

Hey, so, you've been gone almost a month and while there were times that a part of me wanted to just crawl in a hole and die, I didn't allow myself to give into anything. I've been finding it harder and harder to just swallow my emotions without them getting in the way of anything and I have remained EXTREMELY driven. I think I'm doing a little bit of that compartmentalizing that you all do. I'm currently sitting outside at the bar with a drink to my right and a smoke to my left and it's lightening out and I can hear the gunships going off. The boys are inside watching some history show, we really have the best kids.

I'm not miserable, per se, but I'm not as happy as I could be. I look for happiness in any situation and I sure don't want myself to be anyone elses burden...so I fake it. Everything's fine. Things are running smoothly. I feel great. I'm not worried. All lies!!!! Nothing but massive, pathetic lies!!! I am miserable. I miss you horribly. I read myself to sleep every night, snuggled up with one of your shirts and your dogtags with your wedding ring on them. I put your wedding ring on my finger right before I go to sleep and curl your dogtags in my hand as I drift off, saying prayers for your safety and safe return home. I've not allowed myself to cry, but my eyes are welling up just typing this. I know that this is your job and you enjoy it and that is VERY important to me!!! But I thought. for just a moment, you deserved honesty...so I thought I would type this.

I do miss you being here. I miss knowing you've got my back. I miss knowing that you will pick up the slack for me without me even saying anything about it. I miss our talks, but I don't miss our fights. I miss not being able to pick up the phone and know that you will answer it. I miss not being able to walk up to your chest and putting my forehead on it and you know that I've about given up. Those are the times you chuckle, rub my back and ask me if I'm ok.

I'm so very tired of being strong. I want to be weak. I want to just let go. But, alas, it's not to be...at least, not for a little while. I know you'll be home soon and I know that I just have to hang on. I also know that I will hang on and that it will make me stronger. But, I think you deserve to see how I really feel.

Please print this off and when the devil starts banging in your head wanting to cast doubts about us, pull this out and read it. This is how I really feel and I don't even know if I've put everything in here, but it's a start.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Michaelanne